walking softly... carrying an inhaler

so i have been all drummed up about the issues we have been discussing. i see the point that sama is shedding light on with the qoute from sontag's writing. it's true. by our living the way that we do, others inevitably suffer. for that very reason every christmas for the past seven years my husband gets depressed and doesn't buy me a christmas present. "consumerism... it is pure evil." i used to mind, feel bad that i was the only one with an empty stocking on christmas morning, because by default it was his job to buy me a gift... i thought that it made me look unimportant to my children, that mommy doesn't deserve to get gifts... blah blah blah. now i fill my own stocking along with everyone else's.

don't get me wrong though, i am not a shopshopshopper... i make the bulk of the gifts our family gives and try to be frugal with shopping, buy locally made things, but it isn't always possible. i am trying to point out a conundrum i face with this isssue in mind... my husband gets consumed by guilt thinking of the rest of the world and as his one action to revolt against the damage our collective consumerism does (besides endlessly and might i add, fruitlessly, lecturing on the subject) , he boycotts christmas and other giftgiving holidays. i don't see him doing anything else to try to rectify the situation. he still buys his building supplies at home depot... he still drives his gas guzzling truck... he doesn't live any humbler despite his rants. he talks about life in america, that he doesn't want to live here. he says he would like to know real suffering and have to live off of the land instead of how we live here... (walmart has everything you need... fast and cheap). he wants to reshuffle the deck, so to speak and he wants to take me and our children with him.

in some idealistic way i understand him. live far out in the country on a farm, how lovely the idea is. to teach my children real survival skills...but at the same time... "my children", i think to myself, my son has asthma and needs medicine that i can't pull out of my ass or make from hay, hemp and goat's milk. i know that without the medical facilities that i have access to, without being able to drive, without being close to the doctor, my son would never have survived his first asthma attack. if we were truly to "even things out", my son would suffer and probably die. so do we give up our home, cars and access to the "stuff" that has been helping us? do we let our son die because the world is overpopulated and we are greedily trying to extend the life of humanbeings with medicine to the point where we are inevitably destroying our planet? what the hell do i know?

i am thankful for the opportunities i have been blessed with. i don't want to be a glutonous, insatiable american, but i suppose that in some ways i am. i have encountered unthinkable obstacles in my life ( i can't even go there), i work hard, really hard, for the life i have, but in some ways all i have was handed to me simply because i was born here... the united states, during this time period. i have the opportunity for education, i have a good job that pays for what my family needs to survive and then some. i have worked really hard to pull my family out of literal poverty and have done a really good job. some of my life is luck, and there are aspects of my life that are not helping the general welfare of the world...but i work nonstop trying to improve it. my goal with my schooling is to be an art therapist, work with children and try to help make the world a better place, however idealistic that may sound.

i think the point i was initially trying to make about art in my previous blog is a little fuzzed by my vinegary froth of righteousness. i think that in some ways i don't relate to american ideals. i have always felt a little foreign here. i don't know where i think i'm from, but in other cultures i often see snippets of ideals and things i relate to. my own country leaves me feeling angered and frustrated and seething. so, i suppose i feel like it is okay to comment on this, create art about things outside of who i am and also about things in my world. i also realize how art is filtered by the eyes of the viewer. i am an american and that will always be part of how my art is viewed, consiously or not. i am angered by this stereotyping, by both the privilege and disgrace i know as an american, but i am also not in any position to give it up entirely either. conundrum.